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Thread: Ferengi Rules Of acquisition all 286 of them
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    K'mull@trekythorne
    Mon 19 Oct, 2009, 01:07 AM
    for Me and Jenson who are playing the ferengi in the murder mystery and for those of you who want a good laugh

    The Complete Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition

    1. Once you have their money, never give it back

    2. You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try

    3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to

    4. Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough

    5. If you can't break a contract, bend it

    6. Never let family stand in the way of opportunity

    7. Always keep you ears open

    8. Keep count of your change

    9. Instinct plus opportunity equals profit

    10. A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one

    11. Latinum isn't the only thing that shines

    12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice

    13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money

    14. Anything stolen is pure profit

    15. Acting stupid is often smart

    16. A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along

    17. A bargain usually isn't

    18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all

    19. Don't lie too soon after a promotion

    20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat

    21. Never place friend ship before profit

    22. wise men can hear profit in the wind

    23. Never take the last coin, but be sure to get the rest

    24. Never ask when you can take

    25. Fear makes a good business partner

    26. The vast Majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it

    27. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down

    28. Morality is always defined by those in power

    29. When someone says "It's not the money," they're lying

    30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money

    31. Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother

    32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects

    33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss

    34. Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore

    35. Peace is good for business

    36. War is good for business

    37. You can always buy back a lost reputation

    38. Free advertising is cheap

    39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers

    40. If you see profit on a journey, take it

    41. Money talks, but having a lots of it gets more attention

    42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit

    43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon

    44. Never argue with a loaded phaser

    45. profit has limits. Loss has none

    46. Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person

    47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than you own

    48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife

    49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent

    50. Never bluff a Klingon

    51. Never admit a mistake if there's someone else to blame

    52. Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas

    53. Sell first; ask questions later

    54. Never buy anything you can't sell

    55. Always sell at the highest possible profit

    56. Pursue profit; women come later

    57. Good customers are almost as rare as Latinum - treasure them

    58. Friendship is seldom cheap

    59. Fee advice is never cheap

    60. Never use Latinum where your words will do

    61. Never buy what can be stolen

    62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit

    63. power without profit is like a ship without an engine

    64. Don't talk shop; talk shopping

    65. Don't talk ship; talk shipping

    66. Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it

    67. Enough is never enough

    68. Compassion is no substitute for a profit

    69. You could afford your ship without your government - if it weren't for your government

    70. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise

    71. Gamble and trade have two things in common: risk and Latinum

    72. Never let the competition know, what you're thinking

    73. Never trust advice from a dying Ferengi; listen but don't trust

    74. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all

    75. Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum

    76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies

    77. Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit

    78. There is a customer born every minute

    79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge

    80. If it works, sell it. If it works well, sell it for more. If it doesn't work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique

    81. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman

    82. A smart customer is not a good customer

    83. Revenge is profitless

    84. She can touch your ears but never your Latinum

    85. Death takes no bribes

    86. A wife is a luxury, a smart accountant a necessity

    87. Trust is the biggest liability of all

    88. When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something

    89. Latinum lasts longer than lust

    90. Mine is better than ours

    91. He who drinks fast pays slow

    92. Never confuse wisdom with luck

    93. He's a fool who makes his doctor his heir

    94. Beware of small expenses: a small leak will kill a ship

    95. Important, more impotant, Latinum

    96. Faith moves mountains - of inventory

    97. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don't tell it to a friend

    98. Profit is the better part of valor

    99. Never trust a wise man

    100. Everything that has no owner, needs one

    101. Never do something you can make someone do for you

    102. Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever

    103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity

    104. Money is never made. It is merely won or lost

    105. Wise men don't lie, they just bend the truth

    106. There is no honor in poverty

    107. Win or lose, there's always Huyperian Beetle Snuff

    108. A woman wearing clothes is like a man without profit

    109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack

    110. Only a fool passes up a business opportunity

    111. Treat people in your debt like family ... exploit them

    112. Never sleep with the boss's wife unless you pay him first

    113. Never sleep with the boss's sister

    114. Small print lead to large risk

    115. Greed is eternal

    116. There's always a way out

    117. If the profit seems too good to be true, it usually is

    118. Never cheat a honest man offering a decent price

    119. Buy, sell, or get out of the way

    120. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum

    121. Everything is for sale, even friendship

    122. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer

    123. A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer

    124. Friendship is temporary, profit is forever

    125. A lie isn't a lie until someone else knows the truth

    126. A lie isn't a lie, it's just the truth seen from a different point of view

    127. Gratitude can bring on generosity

    128. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races

    129. Never trust your customers

    130. Never trust a beneficiary

    131. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother

    132. The flimsier the produce, the higher the price

    133. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet ... sometimes good things come in small packages

    134. There's always a catch

    135. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it

    136. The sharp knife cuts quickly. Act without delay!

    137. Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father

    138. Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder

    139. Wives serve; brother inherit

    140. The answer to quick and easy profit is: buy for less, sell for more

    141. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive. Fait play and financial loss go hand-in-hand

    142. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves

    143. The family of Fools is ancient

    144. There's nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket

    145. Always ask for the costs first

    146. If possible sell neither the sizzle nor the steak, but the Elphasian wheat germ

    147. New customers are like razor toothed gree worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back

    148. Opportunity waits for no one

    149. Females and finances don't mix

    150. Make your shop easy to find

    151. Sometimes, what you get free costs entirely too much

    152. Ask not what your profits can do for you; ask what you can do for your profits

    153. You can't free a fish from water

    154. The difference between manure and Latinum is commerece

    155. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too

    156. Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit

    157. You are surrounded by opportunities; you just have to know where to look

    158. Don't pay until you have the goods

    159. The customer is always right ... until you have their cash

    160. Respect is good, Latinum is better

    161. Never kill a customer, unless you make more profit out of his death than out of his life

    162. His money is only your's when he can't get it back

    163. A thirsty customer is good for profit, a drunk one isn't

    164. Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's

    165. Never allow one's culture's law to get in the way of a universal goal: profit

    166. Never give away for free what can be sold

    167. If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal

    168. Beware of relatives bearing gifts

    169. If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable

    170. Never gamble with an empath

    171. Time is Latinum. The early Ferengi get the Latinum

    172. If you can sell it, don't hsitate to steal it

    173. A piece of Latinum in the hand is worth two in a customer's pocket

    174. Share and perish

    175. When everything fails - run

    176. Ferengi's don't give promotional gifts!

    177. Know your enemies ... but do business with them always

    178. The world is a stage - don't forget to demand admission

    179. Whenever you think that things can't get worse, the FCA will be knocking on you door

    180. Never offer a confession when a bribe will do

    181. Even dishonesty can't tarnish the glow of Latinum

    182. Whenever you're being asked if you are god, the right answer is YES

    183. Genius without opportunity is like Latinum in the mine

    184. There are three things you must not talk to aliens: sex, religion and taxes

    185. If you want to ruin yourself there are three known ways: Gambling is the fastest, women are the sweetest, and banks are the most reliable way

    186. There are two things that will catch up with you for sure: death and taxes

    187. If your dancing partner wants to lead at all costs, let her have her own way and ask another one to dance

    188. Never bet on a race you haven't fixed

    189. Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing

    190. Drive your business or it will drive you

    191. Let other keep their reputation. You keep their money

    192. If the flushing isn't strong enough, use your brain and try the brush

    193. Klingon women don't dance tango

    194. It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door

    195. Wounds heal, but debt is forever

    196. Only give money to people you know you can steal from

    197. Never trust your customers, especially if they are your relatives

    198. Employees are the rungs on your ladder to success - don't hesitate to step on them

    199. The secret of one person is another person's opportunity

    200. A madman with Latinum means profit without return

    201. The justification for profit is profit

    202. a) A friend in need is a customer in the making

    b) A friend in need means three times the profit

    203. A Ferengi in need, will never do anything for free

    204. When the Grand Nagus arrives to offer you a business opportunity, it's time to leave town until he's gone

    205. When the customer dies, the money stops a-comin'

    206. Fighting with Klingons is like gambling with Cardassians - it's good to have a friend around when you lose

    207. Never trust a hardworking employee

    208. Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer

    209. Tell them what they want to hear

    210. A wife, who is able to clean, saves the cleaning lady

    211. In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator

    212. If they accept your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much

    213. Stay neutral in conflicts so that you can sell supplies to both sides

    214. Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach

    215. Instinct without opportunity is useless

    216. Never take hospitality from someone worse off than yourself

    217. Only pay for it, if you are confronted with loaded phaser

    218. Always know what you're buying

    219. A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount

    220. Profit is like a bed of roses - a few thorns are inevitable

    221. Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes

    222. Knowledge is Latinum

    223. Rich men don't come to buy; they come to take

    224. Never throw anything away: It may be worht a lot of Latinum some Stardate

    225. Pride comes before a loss

    226. Don't take your family for granted, only their Latinum

    227. Loyalty can be bought ... and sold

    228. All things come to those who wait, even Latinum

    229. Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox

    230. Manipulation may be a Ferengi's greatest tool, and liability

    231. If you steal it, make sure it has a warranty

    232. Life's no fair (How else would you turn a profit?)

    233. Every dark cloud has a Latinum lining

    234. Never deal with beggars; it's bad for profits

    235. Don't trust anyone who trusts you

    236. You can't buy fate

    237. There's a sucker born every minute. Be sure you're the first to find each one

    238. The truth will cost

    239. Ambition knows no family

    240. The higher you bid, the more customers you drive away

    241. Never underestimate the inportance of the fist impression

    242. More is good, all is better

    243. If you got something nice to say, then SHOUT

    244. If you can't sell it, sit on it, but never give it away

    245. A warranty is valid only if they can find you

    246. He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them

    247. Never question luck

    248. Celebrate when you are paid, not, when you are promised

    249. Respect other culture's beliefs; they'll be more likely to give you money

    250. A dead vendor doesn't demand money

    251. Satisfaction is not guaranteed

    252. Let the buyer beware

    253. A contract without fine print is a fool's document

    254. Anyone who can't tell a fake doesn't deserve the real thing

    255. A warranty without loop-holes is a liability

    256. Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse

    257. Only fools negotiate with their own money

    258. A Ferengi is only as important as the amount of Latinum he carries in his pockets

    259. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know

    260. Gambling is like the way to power: The only way to win is to cheat, but don't get caught in the process

    261. A wealthy man can afford everything except a conscience

    262. No lobes, no profit

    263. Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit

    264. It's not the size of your planet, but it's income, that matters

    265. The fear of loss may be your greatest enemy or your best friend - choose wisely

    266. A pair of good ears will ring dry a hundred tongues

    267. Wish not so much to live Long, as to live well

    268. a) When in doubt, lie

    b) When in doubt, buy

    c) When in doubt, demand more money

    d) When in doubt, shoot them, take their money, run and blame someone else

    269. Never purchase anything that has been promised to be valuable or go up in value

    270. It's better to have gambled and lost than to never have gambled at all

    271. There's many witty men whose brains can't line their pockets

    272. The way to a Ferengi's heart is through his wallet

    273. Always count their Latinum before selling anything

    274. There is no profit in love; however, a strong heart is worth a few bars of Latinum on the open market. Keep it on ice

    275. Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it

    276. If at first you don't succeed, try to acquire again

    277. Diamonds may be girl's best friend, but you can only buy the girl with Latinum

    278. It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit

    279. Never close a deal too soon after a female strokes your lobes

    280. An empty bag can not stand upright

    281. Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell

    282. Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner

    283. Rules are always subject to change

    284. Rules are always subject to interpretation

    285. No good deed ever goes unpunished

    286. When Morn leaves it is all over

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    LynxMukka@LynxMukka
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    Mon 19 Oct, 2009, 08:27 AM
    Nice read. Thanks.

    I'll copy this over to Ren's Bar and sticky this since it's quite useful.
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    Jennifer Sutton@minimitch1
    Mon 19 Oct, 2009, 08:52 AM
    OOo Always wanted to read all these!

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    Mon 19 Oct, 2009, 02:53 PM
    Number 50 is one of my favorites so far. "Never bluff a Klingon"
    GenTechJ Comp

    "Here we are in uncharted space, about to encounter gods only know what or who. This is the very definition of Titan's mission...We may save lives or be forced to save our own. We'll learn and grow along the way, and more importantly, we'll explore. You and I and this crew with all its unique differences...We'll explore, together." - Deanna Troi, Star Trek Titan: The Red King

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    Babyhead@babyhead4127
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    Mon 19 Oct, 2009, 02:55 PM
    good read
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    Zini da ti kazem
    Thu 12 Nov, 2009, 02:32 PM
    Tell me something,ok?Where in the world did you find all of these?It is great,i cant describe it.Good one

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    Thu 12 Nov, 2009, 02:37 PM
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    Zini da ti kazem
    Thu 12 Nov, 2009, 02:41 PM
    I've would never thought of that,lol

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    Sun 03 Jan, 2010, 11:59 PM
    Rule nr 1 sounds really good!

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    Christopher Halsey@Chris5626
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    Mon 04 Jan, 2010, 12:16 AM
    The book doesn't actually contain all of the rules and because it isn't a tv show or film it isn't considered canon. Infact only about 50 of the rules are considered proper canon despite it being established in canon that there are 285 rules.

    That said it is a good book. I have two copies one of which I keep at work where it is surprisingly helpful.
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    Reggie Briggs@Reggie
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    Mon 04 Jan, 2010, 01:15 AM
    I'd love to see the contradictions highlighted in this list.
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    Mon 04 Jan, 2010, 04:35 AM
    Originally Posted by {UFP}Reggie
    I'd love to see the contradictions highlighted in this list.
    pssssch

    You don't wanna be sued by an angry Ferengi, do you ?

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    K'mull@trekythorne
    Tue 02 Feb, 2010, 01:24 AM
    dont forget the unwritten rule:

    When the Grand nagus's messenger comes knocking at your door IE the Grand proxy....KIll the messenger!

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    Sat 03 Dec, 2011, 03:03 PM
    You seem to have forgotten a couple of rules, mentioned in the Voyager Episode "False Profits"

    Rule 95: Expand or die.

    Un-numbered rule: Exploitation begins at home

    Rule 299: Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them. That way it's easier to exploit them the next time.

    The unwritten rule: When no appropriate rule applies - make one up

    A rule made up upon the basis of the one menrtioned above: When the messenger comes to appropriate your profits... kill the messenger
    "Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment - Zefram Cochrane

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    deuZige@deuZige
    Fri 10 Feb, 2012, 03:29 PM
    I can add that 286 isn't a rule. Quark just sais it should be. Watched the episode yesterday by chance.
    image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1828&dateline=1326594055rltLieutenant Zoteke Madwan - Legacy's Shepherds' squadron commander - Starbase Legacy
    35aAhrund Madwan - Civilian - Bloc, son of Quch - Starbase Legacy