Federation Citizen
Pillar of the Community
Very Rare (100 Points)
Be a registered user for 10 years
Unlocked Tue 16 Feb, 2021 9:02 AM
34.85% have received this achievement
Eternal Servitude!
Uncommon (25 Points)
Be a registered user for five years
Unlocked Wed 17 Feb, 2016 3:07 AM
76.25% have received this achievement
Poster Child
Uncommon (25 Points)
Reach 500 posts on the forums
Grandfathered
1.10% have received this achievement
Engage
Common (10 Points)
Join the United Federation of Planets
Grandfathered
32.62% have received this achievement
Live Long and Prosper
Common (10 Points)
Be a registered user for one year
Grandfathered
96.20% have received this achievement
Part of the Furniture
Common (10 Points)
Be a registered user for two years
Grandfathered
94.96% have received this achievement
Posted Sat 05 Mar, 2011 10:15 AM
I quite enjoyed that story actually. The odd bit seemed a little clunky or rushed, but that's why you have re-writes right? Haha. But yeah, it made me want to read more and find out what happens to the kid. Far better than anything than I can write that's for sure!
Don't know if it will help you at all but I picked up on a couple of errors:
Missing word - p2 last paragraph "wanted for it all to BE a lie"
Typo - p3 2nd para "my life IS over thanks to you"
Inconsistency - p3 half-way down "Jared recoiled from her hand."??
This sentence didn't make sense to me grammatically, but I could be reading it wrong - p4 bottom of the page "But jumping from my hometown to... wherever here is exhausted you."
"Like a thousand other commanders on a thousand other battlefields, I wait for the dawn." Cpt. Picard, STX:Nemesis
Veteran Member
Benefactor of the UFP
Uncommon (25 Points)
Donate between £75 or more to the UFP
Unlocked Thu 13 Feb, 2020 4:01 AM
0.43% have received this achievement
Pillar of the Community
Very Rare (100 Points)
Be a registered user for 10 years
Unlocked Sat 29 Sep, 2018 1:05 PM
34.85% have received this achievement
Correspondent
Rare (50 Points)
Submit a Federation News Service article
Unlocked Sat 29 Sep, 2018 1:28 PM
0.43% have received this achievement
To Boldly Go On and On
Rare (50 Points)
Reach one-thousand posts on the forums
Grandfathered
0.71% have received this achievement
Paragon of Duty
Uncommon (25 Points)
Sign three roll calls in a row
Unlocked Fri 01 Dec, 2017 1:00 AM
9.72% have received this achievement
Eternal Servitude!
Uncommon (25 Points)
Be a registered user for five years
Grandfathered
76.25% have received this achievement
Posted Sat 05 Mar, 2011 12:44 PM
Haha. Thanks Soundwave! I really appreciate the corrections. And yup - there will have to be a lot of re-writes in order to make the novel even close to a standard that any publisher would look at. But that's life. 
Federation Citizen
Pillar of the Community
Very Rare (100 Points)
Be a registered user for 10 years
Unlocked Tue 16 Feb, 2021 9:02 AM
34.85% have received this achievement
Eternal Servitude!
Uncommon (25 Points)
Be a registered user for five years
Unlocked Wed 17 Feb, 2016 3:07 AM
76.25% have received this achievement
Poster Child
Uncommon (25 Points)
Reach 500 posts on the forums
Grandfathered
1.10% have received this achievement
Engage
Common (10 Points)
Join the United Federation of Planets
Grandfathered
32.62% have received this achievement
Live Long and Prosper
Common (10 Points)
Be a registered user for one year
Grandfathered
96.20% have received this achievement
Part of the Furniture
Common (10 Points)
Be a registered user for two years
Grandfathered
94.96% have received this achievement
Posted Sat 05 Mar, 2011 1:23 PM
Quote
