[Jonathan Reynolds]

for Me and Jenson who are playing the ferengi in the murder mystery and for those of you who want a good laugh

The Complete Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition

1. Once you have their money, never give it back

2. You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try

3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to

4. Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough

5. If you can't break a contract, bend it

6. Never let family stand in the way of opportunity

7. Always keep you ears open

8. Keep count of your change

9. Instinct plus opportunity equals profit

10. A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one

11. Latinum isn't the only thing that shines

12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice

13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money

14. Anything stolen is pure profit

15. Acting stupid is often smart

16. A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along

17. A bargain usually isn't

18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all

19. Don't lie too soon after a promotion

20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat

21. Never place friend ship before profit

22. wise men can hear profit in the wind

23. Never take the last coin, but be sure to get the rest

24. Never ask when you can take

25. Fear makes a good business partner

26. The vast Majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it

27. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down

28. Morality is always defined by those in power

29. When someone says "It's not the money," they're lying

30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money

31. Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother

32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects

33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss

34. Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore

35. Peace is good for business

36. War is good for business

37. You can always buy back a lost reputation

38. Free advertising is cheap

39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers

40. If you see profit on a journey, take it

41. Money talks, but having a lots of it gets more attention

42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit

43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon

44. Never argue with a loaded phaser

45. profit has limits. Loss has none

46. Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person

47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than you own

48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife

49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent

50. Never bluff a Klingon

51. Never admit a mistake if there's someone else to blame

52. Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas

53. Sell first; ask questions later

54. Never buy anything you can't sell

55. Always sell at the highest possible profit

56. Pursue profit; women come later

57. Good customers are almost as rare as Latinum - treasure them

58. Friendship is seldom cheap

59. Fee advice is never cheap

60. Never use Latinum where your words will do

61. Never buy what can be stolen

62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit

63. power without profit is like a ship without an engine

64. Don't talk shop; talk shopping

65. Don't talk ship; talk shipping

66. Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it

67. Enough is never enough

68. Compassion is no substitute for a profit

69. You could afford your ship without your government - if it weren't for your government

70. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise

71. Gamble and trade have two things in common: risk and Latinum

72. Never let the competition know, what you're thinking

73. Never trust advice from a dying Ferengi; listen but don't trust

74. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all

75. Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum

76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies

77. Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit

78. There is a customer born every minute

79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge

80. If it works, sell it. If it works well, sell it for more. If it doesn't work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique

81. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman

82. A smart customer is not a good customer

83. Revenge is profitless

84. She can touch your ears but never your Latinum

85. Death takes no bribes

86. A wife is a luxury, a smart accountant a necessity

87. Trust is the biggest liability of all

88. When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something

89. Latinum lasts longer than lust

90. Mine is better than ours

91. He who drinks fast pays slow

92. Never confuse wisdom with luck

93. He's a fool who makes his doctor his heir

94. Beware of small expenses: a small leak will kill a ship

95. Important, more impotant, Latinum

96. Faith moves mountains - of inventory

97. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don't tell it to a friend

98. Profit is the better part of valor

99. Never trust a wise man

100. Everything that has no owner, needs one

101. Never do something you can make someone do for you

102. Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever

103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity

104. Money is never made. It is merely won or lost

105. Wise men don't lie, they just bend the truth

106. There is no honor in poverty

107. Win or lose, there's always Huyperian Beetle Snuff

108. A woman wearing clothes is like a man without profit

109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack

110. Only a fool passes up a business opportunity

111. Treat people in your debt like family ... exploit them

112. Never sleep with the boss's wife unless you pay him first

113. Never sleep with the boss's sister

114. Small print lead to large risk

115. Greed is eternal

116. There's always a way out

117. If the profit seems too good to be true, it usually is

118. Never cheat a honest man offering a decent price

119. Buy, sell, or get out of the way

120. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum

121. Everything is for sale, even friendship

122. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer

123. A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer

124. Friendship is temporary, profit is forever

125. A lie isn't a lie until someone else knows the truth

126. A lie isn't a lie, it's just the truth seen from a different point of view

127. Gratitude can bring on generosity

128. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races

129. Never trust your customers

130. Never trust a beneficiary

131. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother

132. The flimsier the produce, the higher the price

133. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet ... sometimes good things come in small packages

134. There's always a catch

135. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it

136. The sharp knife cuts quickly. Act without delay!

137. Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father

138. Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder

139. Wives serve; brother inherit

140. The answer to quick and easy profit is: buy for less, sell for more

141. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive. Fait play and financial loss go hand-in-hand

142. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves

143. The family of Fools is ancient

144. There's nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket

145. Always ask for the costs first

146. If possible sell neither the sizzle nor the steak, but the Elphasian wheat germ

147. New customers are like razor toothed gree worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back

148. Opportunity waits for no one

149. Females and finances don't mix

150. Make your shop easy to find

151. Sometimes, what you get free costs entirely too much

152. Ask not what your profits can do for you; ask what you can do for your profits

153. You can't free a fish from water

154. The difference between manure and Latinum is commerece

155. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too

156. Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit

157. You are surrounded by opportunities; you just have to know where to look

158. Don't pay until you have the goods

159. The customer is always right ... until you have their cash

160. Respect is good, Latinum is better

161. Never kill a customer, unless you make more profit out of his death than out of his life

162. His money is only your's when he can't get it back

163. A thirsty customer is good for profit, a drunk one isn't

164. Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's

165. Never allow one's culture's law to get in the way of a universal goal: profit

166. Never give away for free what can be sold

167. If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal

168. Beware of relatives bearing gifts

169. If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable

170. Never gamble with an empath

171. Time is Latinum. The early Ferengi get the Latinum

172. If you can sell it, don't hsitate to steal it

173. A piece of Latinum in the hand is worth two in a customer's pocket

174. Share and perish

175. When everything fails - run

176. Ferengi's don't give promotional gifts!

177. Know your enemies ... but do business with them always

178. The world is a stage - don't forget to demand admission

179. Whenever you think that things can't get worse, the FCA will be knocking on you door

180. Never offer a confession when a bribe will do

181. Even dishonesty can't tarnish the glow of Latinum

182. Whenever you're being asked if you are god, the right answer is YES

183. Genius without opportunity is like Latinum in the mine

184. There are three things you must not talk to aliens: sex, religion and taxes

185. If you want to ruin yourself there are three known ways: Gambling is the fastest, women are the sweetest, and banks are the most reliable way

186. There are two things that will catch up with you for sure: death and taxes

187. If your dancing partner wants to lead at all costs, let her have her own way and ask another one to dance

188. Never bet on a race you haven't fixed

189. Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing

190. Drive your business or it will drive you

191. Let other keep their reputation. You keep their money

192. If the flushing isn't strong enough, use your brain and try the brush

193. Klingon women don't dance tango

194. It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door

195. Wounds heal, but debt is forever

196. Only give money to people you know you can steal from

197. Never trust your customers, especially if they are your relatives

198. Employees are the rungs on your ladder to success - don't hesitate to step on them

199. The secret of one person is another person's opportunity

200. A madman with Latinum means profit without return

201. The justification for profit is profit

202. a) A friend in need is a customer in the making

b) A friend in need means three times the profit

203. A Ferengi in need, will never do anything for free

204. When the Grand Nagus arrives to offer you a business opportunity, it's time to leave town until he's gone

205. When the customer dies, the money stops a-comin'

206. Fighting with Klingons is like gambling with Cardassians - it's good to have a friend around when you lose

207. Never trust a hardworking employee

208. Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer

209. Tell them what they want to hear

210. A wife, who is able to clean, saves the cleaning lady

211. In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator

212. If they accept your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much

213. Stay neutral in conflicts so that you can sell supplies to both sides

214. Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach

215. Instinct without opportunity is useless

216. Never take hospitality from someone worse off than yourself

217. Only pay for it, if you are confronted with loaded phaser

218. Always know what you're buying

219. A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount

220. Profit is like a bed of roses - a few thorns are inevitable

221. Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes

222. Knowledge is Latinum

223. Rich men don't come to buy; they come to take

224. Never throw anything away: It may be worht a lot of Latinum some Stardate

225. Pride comes before a loss

226. Don't take your family for granted, only their Latinum

227. Loyalty can be bought ... and sold

228. All things come to those who wait, even Latinum

229. Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox

230. Manipulation may be a Ferengi's greatest tool, and liability

231. If you steal it, make sure it has a warranty

232. Life's no fair (How else would you turn a profit?)

233. Every dark cloud has a Latinum lining

234. Never deal with beggars; it's bad for profits

235. Don't trust anyone who trusts you

236. You can't buy fate

237. There's a sucker born every minute. Be sure you're the first to find each one

238. The truth will cost

239. Ambition knows no family

240. The higher you bid, the more customers you drive away

241. Never underestimate the inportance of the fist impression

242. More is good, all is better

243. If you got something nice to say, then SHOUT

244. If you can't sell it, sit on it, but never give it away

245. A warranty is valid only if they can find you

246. He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them

247. Never question luck

248. Celebrate when you are paid, not, when you are promised

249. Respect other culture's beliefs; they'll be more likely to give you money

250. A dead vendor doesn't demand money

251. Satisfaction is not guaranteed

252. Let the buyer beware

253. A contract without fine print is a fool's document

254. Anyone who can't tell a fake doesn't deserve the real thing

255. A warranty without loop-holes is a liability

256. Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse

257. Only fools negotiate with their own money

258. A Ferengi is only as important as the amount of Latinum he carries in his pockets

259. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know

260. Gambling is like the way to power: The only way to win is to cheat, but don't get caught in the process

261. A wealthy man can afford everything except a conscience

262. No lobes, no profit

263. Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit

264. It's not the size of your planet, but it's income, that matters

265. The fear of loss may be your greatest enemy or your best friend - choose wisely

266. A pair of good ears will ring dry a hundred tongues

267. Wish not so much to live Long, as to live well

268. a) When in doubt, lie

b) When in doubt, buy

c) When in doubt, demand more money

d) When in doubt, shoot them, take their money, run and blame someone else

269. Never purchase anything that has been promised to be valuable or go up in value

270. It's better to have gambled and lost than to never have gambled at all

271. There's many witty men whose brains can't line their pockets

272. The way to a Ferengi's heart is through his wallet

273. Always count their Latinum before selling anything

274. There is no profit in love; however, a strong heart is worth a few bars of Latinum on the open market. Keep it on ice

275. Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it

276. If at first you don't succeed, try to acquire again

277. Diamonds may be girl's best friend, but you can only buy the girl with Latinum

278. It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit

279. Never close a deal too soon after a female strokes your lobes

280. An empty bag can not stand upright

281. Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell

282. Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner

283. Rules are always subject to change

284. Rules are always subject to interpretation

285. No good deed ever goes unpunished

286. When Morn leaves it is all over

[LynxMukka]

Nice read. Thanks.

I'll copy this over to Ren's Bar and sticky this since it's quite useful.

[Jadzia Flex]

OOo Always wanted to read all these!

[GenTechJ]

Number 50 is one of my favorites so far. "Never bluff a Klingon"

[Babyhead4127]

good read

[Alexei The Visant]

Tell me something,ok?Where in the world did you find all of these?It is great,i cant describe it.Good one

[Babyhead4127]

it in the book



http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/File...tion_cover.jpg

[Alexei The Visant]

I've would never thought of that,lol

[Darkaiz]

Rule nr 1 sounds really good!

[Christopher Halsey]

The book doesn't actually contain all of the rules and because it isn't a tv show or film it isn't considered canon. Infact only about 50 of the rules are considered proper canon despite it being established in canon that there are 285 rules.

That said it is a good book. I have two copies one of which I keep at work where it is surprisingly helpful.

[Reggie]

I'd love to see the contradictions highlighted in this list.

[Darkaiz]

I'd love to see the contradictions highlighted in this list.

pssssch

You don't wanna be sued by an angry Ferengi, do you ?

[Jonathan Reynolds]

dont forget the unwritten rule:

When the Grand nagus's messenger comes knocking at your door IE the Grand proxy....KIll the messenger!

[mr-data]

You seem to have forgotten a couple of rules, mentioned in the Voyager Episode "False Profits"

Rule 95: Expand or die.

Un-numbered rule: Exploitation begins at home

Rule 299: Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them. That way it's easier to exploit them the next time.

The unwritten rule: When no appropriate rule applies - make one up

A rule made up upon the basis of the one menrtioned above: When the messenger comes to appropriate your profits... kill the messenger

[deuZige]

I can add that 286 isn't a rule. Quark just sais it should be. Watched the episode yesterday by chance.